A life coach’s tips for contending with loneliness
Illustration by Josie Herrin
by Rae Dohar
When the US Surgeon General published “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” in 2023, it painted a pretty bleak picture. Not only is loneliness on the rise, but the absence of social connection is as dangerous as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Take a moment to let that sink in.
Among young people, in-person interactions have decreased by more than 70% over the last 20 years. There has also been a noteworthy decrease in self-esteem levels in this demographic. For aging populations, chronic isolation increases the risk of dementia by an astonishing 50%, according to the report.
All the while, we stay online. We’re more plugged in and less connected than ever.
I have to say… I’m not exactly surprised. As a life coach and journalist, I’m one of the fortunate few who spends my time actually talking to people face to face. And a common refrain I hear, regardless of age, career, or location, is that people feel increasingly isolated and crave high-quality social interaction. They know being online too much can tip the scales and have negative impacts, but they also can’t imagine a totally unplugged existence.
If you’re reading this like, “Oh my god, it’s me,” worry not: hope remains. There are ways to stave off loneliness and even ways to relate to our screens that guide us toward connectedness.
A case of mistaken identity
Before we can “solve” loneliness, we have to identify it. For many, loneliness is tough to acknowledge, especially because society conflates the emotion with time alone. But the science suggests that’s not true.
The 2023 paper “Loneliness and alone time in every day life” examines the relationship between loneliness and time alone. The message is clear: for most of your life, not only are they not the same thing, they’re entirely independent phenomena. This means that you can absolutely feel “alone in a crowd,” and you can also spend time by yourself without having negative feelings.
This struggle to name our feelings is a key impediment to navigating loneliness. Mental health therapist Lauren Fadem-Sweet, who’s helped several people through this challenge, says, “I'll see a lot of clients who, for example, have roommates or have a romantic partner or plenty of friends and so they don't always immediately identify that they're experiencing loneliness.” This tendency to rationalize or invalidate feelings also leads people to ignore them and to allow the negative effects to compound.
Josie Herrin
The digital double-edged sword
Access to the internet has created vast opportunities for communication and innovation in recent years. But it also has the potential to make our sense of isolation worse if we don’t intentionally curate our time online a bit. While we can’t put the digital genie back in the bottle, we can become more conscious of the ways we’re spending our time online.
Sociology researcher and author Sara Bubenik, Ph.D., says that there are many valid reasons people turn to tech for connection, highlighting those living with various health conditions, those who can’t easily access transportation, and those who have marginalized identities and are looking for safe and meaningful spaces online. But she warns that being too online “can foster unhealthy self-comparison, expose us to harmful misinformation, and distract us from the interactions we’re having in-person.”
Ultimately, it’s about finding balance.
Moving toward connectedness
So how can you work with and even prevent loneliness? First, learn to identify what you’re feeling. Rather than beating yourself up or denying your loneliness, try instead to name it and accept it without shame. Recognizing it for what it is will open the door to addressing it.
Next, take that awareness into your relationship with your devices. Rather than scrolling mindlessly, be intentional about why you’re online, who you’re truly connecting with, and how those ties can help add substance to your offline life. Don’t be afraid to delete apps or unfollow accounts who make you feel more alone. Actively seek out online spaces and creators who remind you that you’re part of something greater than yourself. Some I like are Substack, Discord, and Online Book Club, but I also recommend seeing if any life coaches whose work you enjoy are hosting online group events.
Use these apps and events as jumping-off points. While they can be great places to meet people, if you spend all of your time on these glossier, more curated platforms, you’ll inevitably increase your loneliness rather than quell it. Once you’ve established a connection, switch to calls or texts, or better yet, get off your phone and meet in real life!
Sometimes our devices can make us forget that our offline life is still a place where we can connect with people. If you’re able to, consider donating your time to a worthy cause (you can use Facebook or Meetup to find events near you). If you’re finding yourself spread too thin, there’s even evidence to suggest that talking to strangers, however briefly, can help you feel less alone.
At the very least, allow yourself to acknowledge that loneliness is universal, so however difficult an emotion it can be, you’re not alone in experiencing it.