How to help teens deal with social overload
Illustrations by Naho Ogawa
According to the theory of Dunbar's number, we can only maintain about 150 connections at once. But is that rule true in today's world of social media? And how can we support youth as they learn to navigate the world in a digital era?
In the age of constant connectivity, social media has given us friends, followers, connections, and/or contacts in such abundance that it can become overwhelming. If we’re spending most of our time online, we won’t have much left over for real-world interactions — something that is becoming a real issue and affecting people’s mental health. Maybe especially teenagers.
Teens, who are actively learning to navigate social spaces, might be particularly vulnerable to overload. As their online social circles expand, the constant stream of notifications and interactions can begin to feel like obligation rather than a source of joy. What happens when there’s no balance between the digital and the real world? The result: social fatigue and an increased sense of loneliness, even when they’re surrounded by “friends” online.
We're growing our social circles beyond what we can handle, and the Internet's endless distractions are dominating our attention, making it harder for us to truly connect with others. While we might be more technically connected than before, a recent study shows that half of adult Americans are experiencing loneliness, thereby reducing the quality of our connections.
The same study shows that the “percentage of teens ages 13 to 17 years, who say they are online ‘almost constantly’ has doubled since 2015” and of that same group, “95% report using social media as of 2022, with more than half reporting it would be hard to give up social media.”
Social overload and the role of social media
According to the European Journal of Information Systems, the speed and ease of connecting can contribute to social overload. Notifications for texts, comments, and more can lead to frequent interruptions. “These new technologies have created a feeling that we must always be available, causing some of us to prefer interacting with people who are not present in their immediate physical environment,” says Dr. Rebekah Wanic, Ph.D., a social psychologist. “This hampers the ability to build relationships with attendees and weakens the quality of personal interactions.”
Teens can often be in a rush to engage online—potentially even preferring virtual interactions over in-person ones because they feel immediate and rewarding. And because they’re still figuring out how to be, a high volume of online interactions could dilute their ability to form deep, emotionally meaningful relationships.
Social media also makes it easier for us to connect with anyone and helps rekindle many old relationships, especially with those who are far away from us. “However, ease of finding connections does not mean it’s easy to form and maintain high-quality friendships and is likely inversely related,” Dr. Wanic adds.
We value things more when they require work and when our options are limited – that’s a brain thing known as the Paradox of Choice. Thus, social media has allowed the creation of an "easy come, easy go" attitude in friendships, even if we try to avoid it. “These easy but superficial relationships can result in young people spending less time with friends in person and feelings of loneliness, despite having the option to connect with many people online,” Dr. Wanic says.
Effect of having a large number of friends online
For both teens and adults, balancing a large online friend group can be both exciting and exhausting. It's challenging to give meaningful attention and address the diverse needs of many friends deeply, particularly when you’re already spread thin. According to research, trying to sustain engagement with a large network of "friends" can become overwhelming and stressful due to the inability to meet all the competing expectations.
“Emotional closeness is vital for well-being in friendships, and a larger number of friends are more likely to consist of surface-level connections rather than deep ones, affecting the development of real closeness,” says Jillian Amodio, licensed social worker. “Striving to maintain extensive social networks can also invite comparison and competition, whether for friendships themselves or regarding various aspects of your relationships, which can affect self-esteem and lead to feelings of inadequacy.”
In situations where people have large numbers of social media connections, this may give them a sense of purpose and help them stay in touch with many people they otherwise wouldn’t, but it can also cause problems if this is the only thing in their life that brings them validation or a sense of purpose. “People may also feel pressure to perform due to the large number of followers, as they may have fear or anxiety about disappointing their followers or not living up to their expectations,” Amodio says.
It can also compound feelings of loneliness when these "friendships" and relationships are superficial or surface level. “People want to be understood and valued as a whole person, not just for the content they produce or the popularity of their social channels,” Amodio adds.
Naho Ogawa
Balancing quantity and quality in friendships
It’s OK to have lots of connections, but it’s important to identify which ones are built upon a sense of genuine care. “Those relationships must be appreciated and nurtured because they’re the ones that add meaning to your life and bolster your sense of connectedness,” says Maggie Vaughan, Ph.D., psychotherapist. Even while you’re prioritizing the friendships you cherish most, you can still keep other relationships in the picture. Maybe they’re still good for a specific shared interest, or you’re still getting to know one another and deep bonds take time to develop. Either way, remember to care for the friendships you find nourishing and take it from there.
According to 2021 survey data, the average person in the USA maintains only three to five close friends, which means it's essential to prioritize quality over quantity in your relationships. It’s also important to reflect not only on your own needs and how your friendships support them, but also on what you contribute. “If the reflection shows that the effort invested is not balanced with the benefits, it might be worthwhile to pause and redirect your focus toward relationships that bring fulfillment,” Vaughan adds.
How to deal with social overload
In healthy friendships, there should be an equal exchange of support and care. “It's important that no one feels constantly burdened as the primary giver, and their value in the relationship should not be solely based on what they provide,” Dr. Wanic says. “Consider what you are seeking in many of these social interactions — is it excitement, a sense of value, or validation?”
Relationships should ideally be a balance of give and take, but how does that happen in practice? For people with teens in their life, it’s helpful to model self-assessing your friendships. Adults could suggest ways to help teens consider what they are truly seeking from these online interactions—validation, excitement, or something deeper?
“You should also prioritize personal relationships or meaningful conversations over digitally mediated or low-depth connections,” Amodio says. This will help keep the focus on relationships that are of high quality and save time and energy to effectively participate in developing satisfying friendships.
Learning to manage expectations can help teens gain a better sense of perspective on what their friendships can and cannot provide, which can also help reduce the pressure on social interactions. Teens (and their adults) might find it helpful to focus on creating space for meaningful, real-world interactions and set boundaries for social media use. Adjustments like turning off notifications or designating tech-free zones can provide some much-needed relief from constant connectivity.
It is important to practice effective engagement in relationships and this requires letting go of some less meaningful relationships. “Developing such skills early can lay the foundation for more satisfying friendships throughout your life,” Dr. Wanic concludes. “These are all about setting appropriate boundaries for the friendship and outlining through regular and clear communication what is appropriate and what is not.”
Humans need healthy friendships to thrive. By being more mindful of our digital habits and focusing on relationships that really matter, people of all ages can turn the chaos of constant connectivity into a blend of meaningful connections that truly last.
Hazra Khatoon is an independent journalist with a Master’s degree in journalism, who writes about health, climate, tech, travel, and culture. Her work has appeared in Well+Good, Insider, Giddy, South China Morning Post, Sentient Media, StyleCaster, Discover, Evening & Standard, and Chatelaine, among others.